Dear Doggie Diary~

Gunther here. It's 6:00 am. Surely it's not too much to ask to stay in bed this morning. I'm all comfy cozy with my dog-Patches-and just because my mom is a little on the chubby side, why do I have to go for a walk in this freezing cold weather? I know us dogs are supposed to LOVE going for walks but bUcK-it just pisses me off! Which is why I piddle on everything that protrudes 1/2 an inch or more along the route! You'd think she'd get the hint! Get discouraged! Go home! But NO! Doesn't she see all the dirty looks I turn around and give her? Doesn't she get it when I lay down and refuse to move any further? I poop five times in a row while crossing State street, always in the middle of the road, in the crosswalk, during the morning rush, so she has to dig plastic bags and papertowels out of her pockets and pick up what I'm puttin' down! In front of a whole line of traffic! I hold up the line of traffic! I stop traffic with my pooping! What's wrong with that woman? Why doesn't she get the hint? You'd think some concerned citizen, passerby type would report her for animal cruelty! Whew! Thank God that ordeal is over for today! Finally, she's in the shower getting ready for work. I can just lay here and read the paper~

8:00 AM. Here it comes, the "be nice to the kitties today" speech. Ho-hum! Fine. I'll act like I like those cats...but as soon as you shut that door, Mom, it's open season. Kitty tag! Head for higher ground all you feline types! Run, kitties, run! While mom is away, the doggies will play!

9:00 Kitty chasing arobics over for today. I'm worn out. Think I'll have some kibbles and water. Then settle in with my dog, Patches, for a little "cat nap"-that is, my nap after chasing the cats!

10:30 Time to bark at the UPS guy. It's not what Brown can do for me...it's what I can do for Brown-like scare the Brown out of him! Hey, dude, see the hair standing up on the back of my neck? Buddy, I mean business! That was exhausting. Nap again!

1 PM:

Me thinks me hears a mouse farting in yonder field. Time to bark! And bark! And bark! Gosh, I love the sound of my own powerful voice!  Time to drag my butt on the carpet. Okay-now to go through the trash...hope there's something yummy in there or at least a bunch of paper to tear up!

2:30 Up in the bay window. The daily stakeout. Bark at the neighbor kid getting off the bus. Bark at the runners. Bark at the mail carrier. Oh, yippeee~tomorrow is garbage day! The trash guy is my favorite!

3:30 Oh, good, mom's home! Great, we're going to the dog park! Lots of behinds to sniff there!

I sure hope mom doesn't try to get me to do all these obstacle course things and fetch a ball. Too much work. I'll just play dumb. It is kinda funny watching her try to get me to do it though...all the baby talk and dog treats! Humans sure act dorky! I don't think I'll ever get her trained!

5:00 PM-Hey, let's head home. It's dinner time. I've got a powerful appetite worked up from my hectic schedule!

Oh, good, Trevor's home. Maybe he'll take me hunting...or just pet me. That works. Thanks!

Hey, maybe lets do a little Guitar Hero...

9:00 PM-Mom's getting her jammies on. Time to study. Hope she pops some popcorn. I could use a snack. Oh, great, schoolbooks all over the bed. She sure goes to school a lot! We should put that on her tombstone. Doesn't seem to be getting any smarter though...Does a good job with the food, water and treats. That's a point in her favor!

11:40 Hurry up Jay Leno. I want to hit the rack! I'll wait until mom starts snoring like a freight train and then I'll hop up there and sleep on the pillow next to her. I sure hope mom never gets married again. I like my little spot on the bed. Some guy comes along I'll just have to bite him! Oh, well, I'll think about it tomorrow...time to count sheep~yawn.

Goodnight, Dear Doggie Diary~See you in the morning light!

~Gunther