Wrestling with mortality

The past week has been somewhat of an emotional roller coaster ride. Many of you are aware that my parents are older-soon to be 91, in fact. I was the baby in my family and my parents had me late in life. I was the ooops! Many of you also know that my dad's health has been poor for quite some time. Like anyone his age, he has his bad days and his good days. Lately, though, it has been more of a struggle and we have had some big scares. This past week was especially tentative.

I know that I have been blessed to have my parents so long. I am especially thankful that both my parents are Christians and I can relax about their final destination because I know it will be in the presence of God.

I know that it is such a blessing that my dad is not in pain and suffering from some horrible disease such as cancer. Most of the time, he is oriented and knows everyone, knows where he is, etc.

I know that my dad has made his peace with God and everybody else. He is calm and assured. He is ready to go whenever God calls his name.
But...

No matter how hard I try, I am still wrestling with accepting the inevitable loss of my parents. I know it's coming. I know that God loves all of us, knows what He's doing, is merciful and gracious and will not take us a minute before our appointed time. Still...I think it's because death seems so permanent from this side. We don't like to be separated from people we love. Also, your parents are sort of like the guiding constellations. Through every event of my life so far, my parents have been there. The thought of them not being feels awful to me! I can't imagine my life without them. I feel like part of me will be lost because they are part of my identity. I think I will feel like an orphan. I know this is selfish and I need to get ahold of myself and get it together before it happens but this is REALLY BIG! When the time comes, I hope my Dad goes quietly and peacefully in his sleep. I hope he can just slip away to God. I hear and see his weariness and his readiness to depart. I know that death is part of life and it is normal and natural. This week my dad seems to be doing better. I'm breathing a sigh of relief for now...and asking God to help me accept the mortality that we all must face. Part of me, the selfish part, hopes that he makes it to his 91st birthday at the end of this month. I hope I get another face-to-face visit in with him this spring. Every day is a gift. Every moment is precious. All the while I know that it is not in my domain to choose~I must accept.